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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22698676">Smother</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywarddreamer/pseuds/waywarddreamer'>waywarddreamer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, During Aretuza, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Tough mom!Tissaia, if you want fluff stop at the first chapter, mostly Triss pov, new title, tissaia's kind of a bitch but its her character, young Triss, young yennefer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:15:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,190</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22698676</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/waywarddreamer/pseuds/waywarddreamer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>All of the times Yennefer touched her it was out of affection. A gentle swipe on the back of the hand, constant kisses or a comforting hug but this-she grabbed her and spun her around so that she could look her in the eyes. It’s swimming with betrayal and anger and another emotion that looks foreign on the girl. She looks different, older, and much, much, harder.   </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Triss Merigold &amp; Tissaia de Vries, Triss Merigold/Yennefer z Vengerbergu | Yennefer of Vengerberg</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Triss watches Tissaia smoke her pipe, taking a sophisticated drag in the way only she can. Slow and concise, under her command an act that is brutish turns elegant.  </p><p> </p><p>After she's done, Tissaia rubs her temples with her other hand and if Triss looks close enough she can spot the blood underneath her nails.  Her exhales of smoke is the only thing she could hear in Tissaia’s office beside the occasional footsteps of another instructor walking to their own. </p><p> </p><p>She wants to squirm badly in her seat. She feels like a little kid again, being forced to wait while Tissaia conducts business. The nervousness is buzzing around in her stomach,  her mind quickly thinking about all the things she could get in trouble for. There is quite a lot she has done in the past week that the rectoress could have summoned her for.</p><p> </p><p>Triss wonders if she knows that she had accidentally mixed those two plants together and had quite a difficult time remembering much of the day after that. Or that she had skipped ahead of her class and almost set her room on her fire practicing her spell. Or that she had snuck out to-</p><p>“None of those, Triss.”  The rectoress says, exasperated at the actions of her young charge. If it was anyone else she would have sent them away a long time ago.  Triss knows this and gives her a bashful smile. </p><p>Tissaia leans back in her chair, expression unchanging, completely unamused by her antics. </p><p>She sighs before taking another drag.  </p><p>
  <em> Maybe I spoiled you a bit too much.  </em>
</p><p>Triss wants to sink into her chair at the declaration. She wants to squirm again, but more than anything she needs to know why she is being called in here. </p><p> </p><p>“I require your assistance.” </p><p> </p><p>Her interest is immediately peaked. She leans forward with a thousand thoughts swimming through her head. Triss regrets the action immediately, feeling a puff of smoke hit her face.  A slight twitch of her eyes is the only sign she gave that it bothered her, ignoring the burning in her lungs. Tissaia’s lips curl up slightly at her reaction. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s about one of the new students.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p><br/>
-<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Triss hovers outside the door, shifting from side to side on cold feet, heartbeat racing. </p><p> </p><p>She had heard the rumors already. Her lilac eyes and twisted spine were being whispered among the hallway but mostly it was about her recent...attempt. It didn’t take long for her to figure out where the blood on Tissaia’s hand came from.</p><p> </p><p>It had been a couple of days of her gathering enough information and admittedly working her courage up to do this. She doesn’t know why she feels this sudden thumping in her chest. She has done much harder tasks than befriending a girl. </p><p>Maybe, it was the amount of pressure being put on her by her mentor. Triss will do anything to keep that disappointed look out of Tissaia’s eyes, shivering as she remembers the last time she was on the receiving end.</p><p> </p><p>Triss stands up straighter finally finding the courage within herself to do this. She raises a fist to knock on the wooden door, when it suddenly cracks upon, revealing her new assignment.</p><p> </p><p>Purple eyes consume her vision, reminding her of the violent flashes of lightning that sometimes swirls right outside of these brick walls.</p><p> </p><p>“You want to gawk at me too?” the girl hisses out. </p><p>Her voice is laced with venom but she seems more afraid than anything. Most of her body is tucked back into the shadows of her room, and she was constantly glancing behind Triss.</p><p>It was then that she finally took in the girl’s bent back and crooked chin but none of that fazed her. It was her wound that captured her attention. The hand is lingering on the door and she could see the bandages on her wrist from where Tissaia had healed her. They desperately needed changing, the blood staining them harshly. </p><p>The mirror that is in her room is still broken and marks of blood still in the sink, but the glass was gone, Tissaia made sure of that.  The thought of this girl feeling so desperate that this was her only option makes Triss’s heart drop in her chest, and that alone conquers the hesitation that she feels.</p><p> </p><p>“No.” Triss says, hoping the sincerity is clear in her voice, looking at her new classmate right in the eyes, lest the girl thinks she would make fun of her. “Just wanted to check on you.”</p><p> </p><p>This makes the girl pause, looking at her suspiciously. She couldn’t blame her. Her classmates were definitely not subtle about looking at her injury, and she was sure the glances became overwhelming. The girl’s fire dims at her question, looking away from her and down towards her wrist, inching back towards the safety of her room.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>The answer is curt and tense, and they both know she’s lying, but any answer is better than none.</p><p> </p><p>She extends her hand, frowning when the girl flinches at the movement. Triss draws it away just as quickly as she offered it. She wasn’t offended by the action, sure that the girl has had a rough couple of days.</p><p>  </p><p>“My name is Triss.” she says, “I’m right down the hall.” she gestures with her head to not startle the girl in front of her. “Let me know if you need anything.” </p><p> </p><p>She begins to walk down towards the kitchen, her bouncy hair following her form. </p><p> </p><p>“Wait.”</p><p> </p><p>She turns around and is met with the sight of the girl looking at her, with the same hesitant look in her eyes but slightly less guarded.</p><p> </p><p>“Yennefer.” she calls out softly.</p><p> </p><p>Triss smiles fondly, “See you around, Yennefer.” </p><p> </p><p>A victory, a small one, but that was enough for her. </p><p><br/>
-</p><p>Whenever she sees Yennefer, she looks distressed, often lingering after the new group of girls. It probably had something to do with Tissaia being hard on the new mages again. It was common practice with the Rectoress, always preparing them for the harsh world out there. A test to see if they could fulfill her high expectations. The same lesson she herself has received multiple times(and still does).  When they pass each other in the hallway, she always waves and she gets one back, albeit a hesitant one.</p><p>Triss is going to need a lot more interaction than that if she were to befriend Yennefer. </p><p> </p><p>Triss waits for her by the door in the morning, offering to walk her to her lecture for the day. She nods, her mind elsewhere gazing off into the distance. Triss talks to her, about the weather, about the new magic she’s learning, even about Tissaia.</p><p>Triss can sense that her constant voice keeps Yennefer at ease, grounding her amongst these strange halls. The other girls wave but do not approach when they see them walk by. It’s probably for the best.  Triss does not seek to smother her just yet, Yennefer still looks like she wants to crawl out of her skin. </p><p> </p><p>She pauses at the door to Yennefer’s lecture, hearing Tissaia already yelling at poor Fringilla for something she had messed up.</p><p> </p><p>“You're not coming?” </p><p> </p><p>It's the first words she muttered this morning. Triss shakes her head no.</p><p> </p><p>“No, my lecture is at another time.” Yennefer looks nervous, skittish, at the thought of being by herself again. “I’ll come back once you’re done.” She gently taps her hand against the back of Yennefer’s. She doesn’t flinch this time.</p><p> </p><p>Yennefer nods, somewhat relieved at the declaration. She can feel her eyes burn into her back once she leaves but Triss knows she’ll be okay.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Yennefer learns to enjoy seeing her once she gets out of her lectures, it was nice to be met with encouragement and a kind face. They don’t speak about what happens there, instead choosing to focus on anything else. </p><p> </p><p>Triss looks forward to seeing Yennefer as well.  To see Yennefer’s eyes light up like she’s something special makes Triss feel something she cannot describe. Triss learns about the pits where Tissaia dug her up from, getting a bit more detail then the Rectoress had told her. If she were to be honest, the girl was better off here then slumming around with the pigs and far away from the cruelty of her family.  </p><p> </p><p>Triss responds in kind, telling her more about the history of Aretuza and her intense love of plants. The girl looks bored once she manages to go into the technical details of growing a moonflower but pretends to be interested for her sake. Triss finds it very endearing.</p><p> </p><p>She shows her the library, watching Yennefer take in the towers of books on the shelves above them.  Triss reads out of her favorite book, babbling about a challenging spell and watching Yennefer’s confused glance at the magic she hasn’t learned yet. Triss is all too happy to explain them to her and the girl's determined eyes soak all of it up, spending hours in the library pouring over everything until they get too tired to go on and then they retire back to their rooms.</p><p> </p><p>Whenever she sneaks back out of her room, she waters her lilacs in her corner of the greenroom and thinks of Yennefer’s eyes. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p>A whisper runs rampant through the rooms eventually getting to Triss through Sabrina.  It seems Yennefer wasn’t making too much progress in the weeks that had passed, not able to make a simple flower bloom or fully hear the other girls’ thoughts. Tissaia was probably giving her a hard time if she knew the rectoress. She could sense her overextending herself at night trying to reach out to someone. Maybe she wouldn’t mind a little help. </p><p>
  <em> No luck? </em>
</p><p>She is barely on the outskirts of her mind but she can hear her surprise. Yennefer attempts to respond back but it's muted and gritty, seeming to try to force its way into her mind instead of letting it flow naturally. She has slightly improved from when she first arrived, but could still not fully see the depths of someone’s mind, only able to hear slight sentences while others in her class were able to capture full memories.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Relax. Don't overdo it.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>She sends back, light and full of jest.  The next word comes out just a little clearer. </p><p>
  <em> Okay. </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> See. You’re getting it. </em> Triss sends back, <em> It would be easier for me to actually show you</em>. </p><p> </p><p>There is a pause before she feels a lukewarm acceptance of the idea. Triss opens the door to her room, peering around the hallway first.</p><p> </p><p>After making sure the halls were empty, she walks over to Yennefers, the door already slightly cracked preparing for her arrival.  Yennefer is on her bed, eyes closed but her brows furrowed as she focuses on gathering her magic. Her concentration is remarkable, not even moving when the other girl climbs on the bed next to her. </p><p> </p><p>Triss offers her hands, knowing that Yennefer can sense the movement. Yennefer lays her hand in hers, her hands are calloused from working in the pens, a sharp contrast to Triss’s own soft ones. </p><p> </p><p>Triss squeezes them gently before closing her own eyes and calling her own magic forth. Her magic comes to her naturally, bouncing eagerly towards her master. Yennefer’s is much more restrained as if it was a wild animal being able to step out of its cage for the first time.</p><p> </p><p>She can sense Yennefer’s fear, it’s deeper than the pits underneath Aretuza.</p><p>Fear of being cast aside again, fear of being ridiculed by her classmate, the overwhelming fear of not being as beautiful as her fellow mages. She frowns at all these negative thoughts, swimming inside of her. It's affecting Yennefer’s magic, suffocating it. No wonder why she is having trouble performing spells. Even a seasoned mage couldn’t do anything if she was feeling all these emotions. </p><p> </p><p>“You’re safe here,” she says, barely above a whisper. Yennefer’s magic seems to relax at that but it’s still hesitant to be set free.   </p><p> </p><p>Triss pushes Yennefer’s emotions away, gathering her own deep inside her.  She guides her, towards her own maelstrom, teaching her the ways of this dance, little by little.</p><p> </p><p>It’s a bright summer night and the moon is at its apex, its moonlight bouncing off the still water. Yennefer is with her, she is amazed at how beautiful it is. She pushes the smell of the ocean, the way the salt tickles the nose making you sneeze. The taste of the sweetest cakes at the extravagant dinners they hold. Yennefer has never had anything so good before. The feel of the blades of grass running through her fingers, gently swaying in the wind. Yennefer is beginning to sense it. Triss sends them faster now. Overloading, her magic until she’s forced to respond.</p><p> </p><p>A picture of lightning violently flashing on the horizon lighting up the dark seas, followed by the plains that stretch for miles and miles, a red fox that scampers through a whispering forest, the process of ascension, how beautiful they all will be when they finally finish their training. It is on that memory that Yennefer latches onto, focusing all her might to capture that moment.  </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Beautiful. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Beautiful. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I want to be beautiful. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s a hunger that she can feel even stronger than the fear, it thrums throughout her. All of the pain that she was ever caused is because she wasn’t beautiful. Her thoughts became Triss’s own. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I can feel it all. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Yennefer’s voice is resonant, sounding throughout both of their minds.  Her eyes open, to Yennefer’s own, full of joy and awe, relishing in this new experience. Through their connection, she can no longer hear her self-doubt, instead, the pride that she could do this echoing strongly through her mind.</p><p> </p><p>For the first time, since Triss had met her a smile grew on her face. Triss can taste just how powerful she is, her magic whipping unrestrained just like hers if not more so. There is something dangerous there and Triss couldn’t help but feel addicted, their chaos merges until it almost becomes one.</p><p>They can feel each other fully now, their emotions swirling in between them. Yennefer can feel Triss’s excitement for her, relief that she was able to teach her, and the thought that she was already beautiful. Yennefer’s eyes soften at that, and she can tell the other girl means it. </p><p>Triss can sense the admiration that Yennefer feels for her. Triss’s face flushes, at the thought of being someone she looks up too. Maybe she could do this, maybe, this isn’t going to be as hard as she thought. </p><p> </p><p><em> Thank you</em>. Yennefer leans forward until their foreheads touch. The connection is overcome with gratitude and a bright sense of hope that maybe she does belong here. </p><p> </p><p>Triss’s smile lights up the room around them, and the future doesn’t seem so scary anymore. </p><p> </p><p>At least not when they are together. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is non-related to my other works by the way. If you want more characterization then you can check out my other fics but for the most part this is a stand alone work. I like how this story is turning out! I hope you guys do too.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I want her to do it by herself.” </p><p>It’s the first thing out of Tissaia’s mouth, once Triss closes the door. It’s dark in her office, most of her candles are out except for the two on her desk. It does nothing to help calm Triss’s nerves. Her heated glare cuts through the young mage, Triss feels some relief about not having to sit around and figure out what it was she was upset over this time.</p><p>“But she did do it-</p><p>“<em> Barely,</em>” she hisses, cutting Triss off. “I need you to watch over her, not help her speed through my lessons.”</p><p>Triss's eyes narrow at the implication. Yennefer is strong in her own right, she has seen the girl work dutifully at her studies, and she would have figured it out eventually, with or without her help. She was getting rather tired of being scolded, especially this time, for doing exactly what her mentor asked her to do. Especially being disturbed, in the middle of developing a new plant,  which she had been working on for weeks.</p><p>“What would you have rather me done,” she responds back with equal rage. </p><p>It comes out before she can stop it, a horrified look appearing on her face, at her own actions.  Tissaia stares at her, neither saying anything for a while. </p><p>“Hm.” Tissaia taps her chin, looking down at her. “Seems she’s effecting you already.”</p><p>She doesn’t seem angry, in fact, quite the opposite. There was a slight smile quirking at the edge of her mouth. </p><p>The Rectoress walks around the desk, standing until she is in front of Triss, meeting eye to eye with her.</p><p>“Do you believe she has what it takes.” </p><p>Triss nods, neither needing to say what they are talking about.<em> Tor Lara.</em> The next step for mages to see if they truly belonged here. The last test right before they’re normally sent back to wherever they were dragged from. </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s see how your mage fares.”  </p><p> </p><p>Her cheeks fill with color at the statement. She asks if she can be dismissed. Tissaia nods, heading back to the open book on her desk. </p><p> </p><p>Triss leaves, emotions still running high. She doesn’t know whether or not she has set Yennefer up for success or failure. </p><p>-<br/><br/></p><p>
  <em> -Are you alright? </em>
</p><p>Yennefer’s concern was clear in her voice, cutting through the noise in her head. They were sitting with the other girls, enjoying lunch, but today she wasn’t much for conversation.  </p><p> </p><p><em> -“Fine.” </em> she responds back, guilt is heavy in her stomach. She could do it, right? She attempts to focus on the conversation at hand, unable to meet most of them in their eyes. It was out of her hands now. It was time for them to prove themselves. </p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Of course, Tissaia makes her come. The heavy smell of salt and sea is pouring through the hole in Tor Lara. She helps give out the bottles, the action distracting her nervous heart from crashing through her ribcage. Her and Yennefer’s eyes meet, shock clear in the other’s eyes at her appearance.</p><p> </p><p><em> -You can do this. </em>She sends it quickly before the Rectoress can sense it.</p><p> </p><p>She focuses back onto Tissaia while she explains the goal. She could explain it herself at this point, with how often she has seen this, enough to know what’s could happen if they are not careful. She wards her mind off so that if Yennefer is poking around, she cannot sift through her many memories of this place. </p><p>Some mages have <em>died</em> here.</p><p>They didn’t die quickly either, rather violently as the mixture of chaos becomes too much for both their magic and then their bodies to handle.  She watches Doralis fail, wincing at the smell of sizzling skin. Then Anica, the glass cutting her eyes, it’s a violent thing and she’s not surprised when one of the girls turns around to throw up, she herself is feeling queasy.</p><p>Yennefer’s turn is coming, and Triss can tell she is afraid.  Their eyes meet one last time before she steps onto the podium. With a shaky hand, she raises the bottle to the sky, Triss knows what’s going to happen next. She isn’t prepared- she’s doubting herself too much. She closes her eyes when Yennefer flies back into the wall. There’s blood pouring out of her nose, dripping onto the stone. Sabrina is next, and she is able to control the chaos enough to be the first success of the night.</p><p> </p><p>Triss knew Yennefer would take it hard, but she couldn’t predict for her to push the magic back out at Tissaia with a violent scream, intent to hurt clear in her eyes.  Tissaia deflects it, and it takes her a couple of seconds to realize the magic is heading towards her, slicing through the air at deadly speed. Yennefer screams her name but it's nothing but a distant echo. Hands snap up to her side. </p><p>She catches the lightning in her hands. <em> It burns. </em> The speed and pure power makes it difficult to control. Yennefer’s magic is adding to the chaos of the electricity in the hand, making it even more unstable. If she drops the magic it will send a shockwave throughout the room, hurting everyone here.</p><p>She cannot let that happen.</p><p>Triss holds on to the magic through the pain, her skin burning from magical light running up her arms. Her eyes take a haunting orange glow while she concentrates it into a ball.</p><p>A chilling scream tears its way out of her throat before she sends it back to the sky. The pain is excruciating enough to make her stumble, her vision blacks out suddenly. The other mages, catch her by the arm so that she doesn’t fall. </p><p>Tissaia looks at her, if she was conscious enough it might have been seen as pride. Yennefer looks ashamed but there is awe in her eyes at her power. She bites into her lip and avoids her gaze. Triss cannot reach her right now, to tell her that it’s not her fault. <em> It’s hers.    </em></p><p>It’s not long after that,  they are dismissed before there are any more incidents. There are sears crawling up in her arms, but all she can feel is shame and it greatly overrides the pain she is in. Tissaia knows what she's talking about after all. She should have been more patient. </p><p>She wants to go. <em> Now. </em> But she cannot leave Yennefer here alone. So, instead, she waits in her room, resting with her knees against her chest, and closes her eyes, where a memory spurs.  </p><p>
  <em>"Come here, child." Tissaia beckons her forth, before resting her hand on curly hair. She had just made her sit through a meeting of the Brotherhood of Sorcerers. It was all boring and she didn’t understand a thing. She would have been better off staring at the pretty designs in the book. All they did was yell at each other.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Why don’t they play nice?” Triss questions, adults were weird. Especially here, they never had any time to play. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “They don’t know how to behave,” Tissaia says, leading her back to the office. “But you will.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Triss doesn’t know what she means, but Tissaia entertains her antics all day, and it's the first time she sees the women laugh. She’s not as scary as everyone thinks she is.   </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She opens her eyes, to an apology bouncing around in her head, seeing the pitiful eyes of Yennefer in front of her.</p><p>The burns still sting, her healing magic coming into play now having finally recovered from its shock.  It is only then she can feel Tissaisa's magic also running over her own, healing what she cannot. She must have cast it before Triss left. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine, Yennefer.” She says, showing her the already healing marks. It does nothing but make the other girl wince. </p><p> </p><p>The air is getting too heavy for her, the walls seemed like they were closing around her. She's been here for too long. She needs to move.</p><p>She extends a hand, for Yennefer to lift her up. The other girl complies, being careful to avoid her fresh wounds. She opens her door beckoning Yennefer to follow, sneaking past a group of girls who were already whispering about what happened. </p><p>They duck into a little narrow passage few are aware exists.  Many mages don’t know that Aretuza was once a place of refuge for all mages, and as a result has chambers that stretch out underneath, having entrances and exits in random spots in case of an attack. </p><p>“Am I weak?” She hears Yennefer ask. Its barely a whisper, and if it weren’t for the tight chamber she might not have been able to hear it. </p><p>“You are the strongest girl I know.” Triss says without missing a beat, turning to look at her. “What is this about?”</p><p>“She doubts me.” She’s looking down at her naked wrists. The lines are still very clear in them. Triss frowns, Tissaia could have easily healed them, but if she knows the Rectoress she always has her reasons even if they seem unclear to most.</p><p>“If there is anything she admires it's the strong,” Triss says, “Show her.”</p><p>She can feel Yennefer’s eyes pointedly staring at her wounds. Triss certainly didn’t need any more proof. Her magic, it felt different, unlike any mage she has ever known before. Maybe Tissaia was able to sense it too. She has a feeling that she'll be able to keep walking among the walls here. </p><p> </p><p>“Where are we going?” Yennefer asks after a while, looking nervously around the tight corridor they were in. </p><p> </p><p>“To my favorite place in the world.” </p><p> </p><p>Her eyes change from sorrowful to curious in an instant. Aretuza is not a prison, even though it sometimes feels like one. They are allowed to roam but only to a few local towns and no further. Not until they get their magic under control.  </p><p> </p><p>Triss knows it’s Yennefer’s first time off of Aretuza and she intends to show her something wonderful. It’s the least she can do for landing them both in this situation. </p><p> </p><p>She feels something on her pinky, looking down to see Yennefer’s finger wrapped around it. </p><p> </p><p>“You looked upset.” she murmurs, the tips of her ears are pink. “I don’t like seeing you upset.”</p><p> </p><p>Triss smiles,  holding on tighter, she has to drop the hold, however, in order to conjure a portal outside of the reach of Tissaia’s magic. She makes a show of bowing, extending her arm so that Yennefer can walk through first. The other girl rolls her eyes at the action, but the expression on her face says she's enjoying the treatment. Yennefer walks through the portal before going through it herself. </p><p> </p><p>“<em>Wow.</em>”</p><p> </p><p>Triss has seen this place a thousand times, but she imagines what it would be like for the first time. To stand in the field where the stars blaze in a sea of its own, the grass is gently swaying underneath their feet in the open clearing they are in. The trees lingering on the outside of the clearing, twisted trunks and all, saying to explore the adventure within.  </p><p> </p><p>The flowers she had planted a couple of months ago are blooming, some slightly glowing from the magic she has transplanted into the seeds. The night air flows around them, warm and inviting beckoning them in their lands. </p><p>It had no name, it didn’t need one.</p><p> </p><p>She follows Yennefer, who is so focused on exploring she forgets that she is there. She walks forward, hands outstretched touching the barks of the trees, eventually making her way to her plants. </p><p> </p><p>“These are?” she breathes, gently touching the petals. </p><p> </p><p>“The moonflowers.” she says, staring at her friend, a small smile on her face at her friend’s reaction. “And Marigolds.”</p><p> </p><p>Her awe turns into mischief, staring back at her friend, a mischievous smile on her face. </p><p> </p><p>“A bit egotistical isn’t it?” Yennefer’s voice is full of jest as they sit down, amongst the field of glowing flowers. Knee to knee, they sit gazing up at the stars, free from the pressures of Aretuza.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe.” Triss winks at the other girl, “But I think I deserve it.” The burn is fading away while they speak, erasing itself from her skin. Yennefer watches, the magic moves over her wounds, the color is coming back into her skin. </p><p> </p><p>“You’ve been there most of your life.” Triss nods, keeping her gaze locked on the full moon, “How was it?”</p><p> </p><p>Triss shrugs, never really thinking about it before. “It’s different,” she says. “Being surrounded by it, made it come out at a much earlier age.”</p><p>Yennefer pushes in closer, intent on listening.  “Tissaia was unamused by my antics.” She shares a memory with her. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Triss! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Someone is calling her name but she can barely hear it over the wind. She is on top of the pillar in Aretuza, looking down. Tissaia’s face is pale but she didn’t know why. It's fun, she feels like she is flying from up here. From the ground, it seems like the sea that Aretuza rests on goes on for miles and miles.  There was actually land beyond the sea, just over the horizon!  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Stay right where you are! </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She wonders what it would be like to swim in those waters, to explore the depths of the sea, maybe there are most surprises waiting there!  She could be a mermaid. Magic can do that, right? Air opens up behind her, the familiar sound of a portal. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She would never be allowed to get this high again. She has to take this chance. She leaps just before Tissaia steps through. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She can hear the Rectoress screaming, but she’s unafraid, giggling while focusing her magic.  Before she hits the water and can cast the magic, strong arms wrap around her torso. Phillipa is holding her, eyes wide in fear, but relief blooms across her features when she sees that the young girl is safe. Triss frowns at being stopped, she’ll never be able to go on a journey like that again. She looks back up and Tissaia looks like she’s about to faint, with her hand to her chest. She’s not allowed out of her sight for many months after that.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Yennefer laughs once she sees it, “You were just meant to be a troublemaker.” </p><p>Triss elbows her, “I am the reason some of the rules are in place, now.” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I’m quite sure,” Yennefer says, running a hand over the petal of a moonflower. It glows in her hand, making it reflect off her skin. Something about her makes her relax.  She feels like she can tell her anything. </p><p>“I-” she starts, before stopping, finding the palms of her hands interesting. Yennefer looks at her, encouraging her to continue. “I wonder what it would be like if I had known my parents.”</p><p>Yennefer frowns, thinking about her own, “Trust me for people like us, it’s not worth it.”</p><p>“I know.” She thinks about how cruel most families are to young mages, but maybe, her family wasn’t like that. Maybe they were forced to give her up. Triss shakes her head. It’s wishful thinking at most. Heartbreaking at least. </p><p> </p><p>“Come on.” She says before they get into even darker topics. It is time for fun. She grabs Yennefer’s hand and leads her into the forest. </p><p> </p><p>Yennefer’s hands brush over the trees while they walk, looking up at the barely visible night sky, only the stream of moonlight that comes through the canopy allows them to see ahead of them. A little silver fox scampers by causing her to jump, and Triss laughs at her reaction, before raising a finger to her lips.</p><p>She tilts her head towards one direction, Yennefer watches, tightening her hands around Triss’s like she’s afraid she’s going to run off.</p><p> </p><p><em> Do you want to see something? </em> </p><p> </p><p>Yennefer nods and they veer to the left. There’s finally space in the forest where the night sky is able to be seen, a gentle stream is running through, clear water reflecting the sparkling stars. </p><p> </p><p>They see it. A deer, learning how to stand on its own for the first time.</p><p>It had been born earlier in the day, its mother watching over it all the while. Triss smiles when it finally stands up on shaky legs, doing an experimental kick before it trots next to her mother.  Together they walk away from the river into the safety of the forest. Triss stares after it for a long time after it left. Enough that she misses the girl, shifting beside her. </p><p> </p><p>Yennefer pushes her into the water suddenly, Triss comes up, preparing to fight but she stops. Yennefer looks gorgeous with the light bouncing off her skin and her soft smile is aimed directly at her. She couldn’t be mad at that smile.   </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>“You made this place beautiful,” Yennefer says after they come back to the clearing. “Thank you for sharing it with me.” She reaches over and takes Triss's hands in hers. </p><p>Triss smiles, enjoying the feeling of their linked hands together. “I know how it feels to be overwhelmed. If you ever need a place to go-” she gestures to her garden. “You are always welcome here.”</p><p>Yennefer doesn’t answer instead staring intently at her. There’s a slight grin on her face while she does so. </p><p> </p><p>“Do I have something on my face?” </p><p> </p><p>Triss moves her hand to wipe her lips, but instead, Yennefer grabs it, thumb gently rubbing on the outside of her hand.  </p><p> </p><p>Yennefer continues to lean forward, and Triss finds herself doing the same.  “Not yet.” </p><p> </p><p>She kisses her, and it feels like fire. Joy spreads through her veins, making her feel dizzy but alive.  If she wasn’t so focused on Yennefer she would have seen the flowers around them glow brighter. She wants to feel it again and again until she drowns in it. She takes in her lips with passion, smiling into her lips, Yennefer responding with her sweet kiss. For the first time, she feels truly free.</p><p> </p><p>She is definitely in trouble now. </p><p>-</p><p>It’s buzzing in her ear, a calling. She gets up from her room, unafraid to walk the now desolate halls. Everyone is asleep, her magic filters under doors to make sure it stays that way. She walks until she is outside, on a balcony overlooking the sea. It’s a harsh wind tonight making her hair sway behind her. She welcomes the chill, eyes focused on the light of the moon reflecting off the dark waters. Moments later she joins her. Triss refuses to look at her. It would only make it worse. </p><p> </p><p>“A mage with power like that,” Tissaia says, eyes staring off into the ocean. “Find out more about her.”</p><p> </p><p>“What are your intentions?” The rectoress looks down at her with a gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“Are your feelings getting in the way, Triss?”</p><p> </p><p>Triss's gaze hardens, and for a second she thinks she can see the land beyond the sea. </p><p> </p><p>“Never.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It's that time friends. ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Triss doesn't know what to do.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Halfway through! Thanks for sticking with me. I'm so excited at the way this story is progressing.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yennefer has so much love to give, even after being treated so cruelly. Ever since their kiss, their roles have changed. Yennefer has become much more doting, reminding Triss to take breaks in her studies, and will drag her to go out with the others even when she was preoccupied with moping around. </p><p>Tissaia loosened her control on the girls after Tor Lora and they spend more time out at the local towns, with fewer restrictions and no curfew as long as they “uphold hers and the Brotherhoods standards” while they were out.</p><p>There are always eyes on Yennefer. Triss dares them to say anything. Her fingers twitch by her side itching for a spell to be cast. Yennefer, surprisingly, ignores the stares, covering Triss’s hand in her own with a sly smile on her face, moving through markets like she doesn’t know it. That doesn’t stop Triss from casting a spell that makes one particularly rude man fall into a pile of horse manure. The others snicker, and Yennefer smirks.</p><p>During local fairs, they look at the strange fruits and little knickknacks that they take back with them to decorate their rooms. Yennefer focuses on a weapons dealer and Triss watches as she runs a hand over a dagger while Sabrina looks over the bows and Fringilla strikes up a conversation with a potion dealer </p><p>Triss enjoys their wonder while they explore every single thing, often smiling at their actions. She isn’t as included to look, rather concerning herself by focusing on the bustle of the market. If they linger too long, she’ll pull them aside before they get into trouble. The townspeople are used to mages but some are still wary of magic and tend to get a little agitated at their presence. Triss looks out for all of them, encouraging them to move if she feels unkind eyes on them. </p><p>They sometimes stop to watch the jousts between young knights in the town’s square, who glance towards the mages while they fight, lances clanging as they battled, fighting more harshly at their cheers.</p><p>They enjoy days spent there, even sneaking into dingy, backwater Taverns at night. Their chaos was good and welcome in these environments and became an excellent place to practice their magic. Making people slip into each other and watching the confusion as ale suddenly disappeared from glasses provided them with good entertainment. After a while, they would sneak away from the other girls while they snuck their first taste of ale and flirted with a couple of boys. Yennefer would push her into an alleyway and kiss her with all her might, pulling her in close while whispering sweet nothings between breaths.</p><p>It’s because of Yennefer that she can see a future outside of Aretuza walls.</p><p>In these moments she can forget all of her troubles. Triss feels at home,  like this was something she has always been missing, but never knew she was.</p><p>It was good, or it would have been.</p><p>Triss would be blind if she didn’t realize what was happening.</p><p>There is a hunger in Yennefer’s eyes now, never sated. Tissaia has been taking more and more time with her and she was happy for her.</p><p>There are rumors that Tissaia plans to send her to Aedirn. It was absolutely gorgeous with its own field of flowers(not as good as hers of course). She will want for nothing in a kingdom with such wealth. Her counsel will be appreciated there.</p><p>Triss wishes that she could be among those girls. But alas, she cannot, she hasn’t proven herself to Tissaia yet who ultimately has the final say. Not until she fulfills her last task. A pang of bitterness runs through her at the thought. She has spent her whole childhood here, and mastered several spells that even those who are about to ascend still have trouble doing.</p><p>It’s not her capability. The Brotherhood knows of her surely just through watching her grow up, they would absolutely <em>adore</em> having her in any of the kingdoms. Even Stregobor would probably attempt to gain her favor in another pissing contest between him and Tissaia. There was something missing, and for the life of her she couldn’t figure it out.</p><p>Either way, she needs to leave soon because she’s losing Yennefer. Whenever they speak, it is of her traveling, it's consuming her. It’s all the girl talks about now even in their quietest moments, when she’s holding Yennefer gently against her chest, her eyes are restless and she’s gone elsewhere chasing fantasies. When they share thoughts, it lingers underneath the rest of their conversation. She can’t imagine staying here without Yennefer, and the fear alone makes her restless.</p><p>It’s been weeks since she’s gotten any decent sleep. She’ll wake up sheets drenched in sweat, barely able to stop a scream trying to tear its way out of her throat, remembering only fragments of her dreams. A battlefield swallowed by fire and she cannot find Yennefer, and she'll wake up with her name falling off her lips.</p><p>It felt wrong, all of it did. Triss kept a good face on when around the girl but inside she was breaking, tearing at the seams.</p><p>It didn’t help the fact that this time Tissaia is shutting her out, she has no idea how she’s going to use this information. She has learned sorcerers all have ways to gain power, by placing certain mages in courts or advising a king against an action, but from Yennefer who hasn’t even ascended, doesn’t offer any quite yet. </p><p>“-court!” Yennefer’s smile is wide, and unhindered staring into her own, tearing her from her thoughts. </p><p>Triss offers a hesitant half-smile in return, to try and convince her that she was listening. She couldn't blame her for being excited, alongside the rest of the girls. It had been quite an exhausting journey for all of them, and they definitely earned their places. She did feel bad for tuning her out but she just couldn't focus.</p><p>They were in the greenroom. The last place that she felt at home at, manipulating the plants to push their way out of the soil before their time. Yennefer had been searching for her, and decided to stay, after planting a quick kiss to her cheek. Normally, her presence would bring her joy. But not today, not when her thoughts were like this.</p><p>“Yes, you will. ” Triss says, softly, forcing the words out. Even if she desperately wants to ignore it. </p><p>Yennefer nods, turning to look at Triss but her eyes were unfocused staring past her. “They will listen to me. I will guide them, Triss. Never again will my word be in vain.”</p><p>Triss shuts her eyes. <em>I.</em> She fights the tears, pricking up at the corner of the eyes. She’s being selfish, she knows, but she cannot help it.</p><p>“I saw myself for the first time, Triss.” Yennefer says, “Who I truly am.”</p><p><em>Ah</em>. She’s seen the enchanter then. That weasel of a man. No. That's not fair he's just doing his job. More than likely, she'll have to pay him a visit soon if she-</p><p>Triss closes her eyes trying to force the thoughts away. The things that she had shown Yennefer are quickly becoming reality.</p><p>Yennefer is overjoyed, talking about how much she’s going to experience, unable to see the change in Triss’s mood. She nods, ignoring the heavy weight that is settling over her, she didn’t want to be alone again. The potions tremble in her hands, some of them spilling down to delicate skin. Yennefer comes over quickly, concern clear in her gaze when she sees red spots start to trickle their way up their skin.</p><p>“You have to be more careful.”</p><p>Triss let's Yennefer fuss over her wounds, staring off into the distance, contemplating on how much everything’s changing.</p><p>And how she desperately wishes for it to stay the same.</p><p>-</p><p>She finds herself staying off to herself more and more these days, and even sneaking off has done little to ease her discontent. If she’s been distant, Yennefer doesn’t speak on it, and she doesn’t know whether she should be hurt or grateful.</p><p>Tissaia’s questioning gaze lingers on her, but she no longer calls her in, too preoccupied with her new charge. Triss kind of misses it, and it's only then that she realizes that she's so used to being told what to do, that she can’t decide what the next step is. </p><p>She’s pretending to read a book when it finally happens.</p><p>Yennefer is sitting on top of the table, in a little corner they settled in. She’s going through a book about Aedirn customs, practicing her movements. Triss listens to her ramble on and on about it, the question echoing through her mind until she finally lets it fall out of her throat.</p><p>“But what about me?” Triss whispers, crestfallen, voice slightly cracking. In the quiet library, the question seems to echo around the two girls. A heavy silence follows.<br/>
Yennefer stills, the excitement clearing from her eyes but not dimming entirely.</p><p>“Surely, she’ll let you ascend soon after me.”</p><p>“What does that matter?” Triss says, “We’ll be separated.” It comes out bitter, full of pain and sorrow.</p><p>She knows that Aedirn court only takes one mage at a time. Surely, Yennefer must have known this by now with all the research she’s been doing.</p><p>Yennefer’s eyes widen, Triss realizes it's the first time the other mage has thought about the separation. Only then that sorrow fills her eyes. Hot anger rises when she realizes that Yennefer didn’t even think about her at all. She did not even consider her feelings. She wonders if she had ever brought it up would she have noticed.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Triss.” Yennefer states, it's heavy with regret. It’s slow, and there’s a pause.</p><p>It takes her a couple of seconds to realize that’s it.</p><p><br/>
<em>I’m sorry.</em> She wasn’t going to reconsider or even reassure her. This was more important than her. Her chase for beauty but they both knew it’s more than that. Her chase for power.</p><p>Yennefer reaches out a hand to touch her, Triss jerks away from it, giving her a glare that makes Yennefer flinch. She would never leave her. She would never hurt her like this. All the time that she put in only to be thrown aside the second she gets a chance to have something better.</p><p>Maybe it was her fault for ever believing that she would be more than a distraction for her. Something to occupy her time until she leaves from here. Triss cuts off the thoughts before they get even more sinister. Her magic snatches the book out of Yennefer’s hand and it smacks onto the floor, others look up at the commotion and she cannot find it in herself to care.</p><p>“Triss-”</p><p>She spins out of the library, knowing that Yennefer cannot catch her. Not like this.</p><p>She feels like she’s gliding through the hallway, like all of this is not real. She didn’t realize that she is biting her tongue until the taste of iron fills her mouth and that’s when it finally sets it that this isn’t a nightmare. Sabrina tries to reach out to her, but she whips at the connection as soon as she senses it.  Her magic nipping Sabrina's shutting her completely out. Sabrina jumps back wincing in pain. Triss feels sorry but not enough to stop. She tracks Tissaia’s magic, bursting into the middle of a lecture, eyes boring right at Tissaia.</p><p>“<em>Leave.</em>” she sounds out, pointing out the door at the younger girls, who scramble out past her, afraid of being in the path of her wrath. It is only until they leave that she plants down the blooming Feainnewedd on top of the podium, she had been holding on to it for weeks. She was hesitant then, but not now.</p><p>Yennefer didn’t need to tell her. Triss wasn’t stupid. Her magic was so peculiar that it drove her to find the reason behind it before Tissaia even asked. There was a reason why she created that new strand. It took her weeks to get it just right. She didn’t want to hurt her, although it would have been easier to have drawn blood to test it. <em>Elf's blood.</em>   </p><p>Guilt hangs heavy in her throat, while she stares at the flower. <em>Damned thing.</em> She suppresses it. Yennefer brought this on herself.  What Tissaia was going to do with this information, she no longer cared.  If she doesn’t care about her, then the feeling is mutual.</p><p>Tissaia smile is full, looking up at Triss. She's a student no more. </p><p>“Congratulations.”</p><p>She’s hungry. Maybe even more so than Yennefer. But more than that, she feels lost. The anger retreats, her magic feels drained, and this is the moment where she knows nothing will ever be the same again.</p><p>She leaves without asking.  Only when she's in the safety of her room, that she allows a few tears to drop down onto her dress. She looks in the mirror, taking in her red eyes and tear-stained face. She's<em> pathetic</em>. Her hands grip the edges of the sink, skin turning a pale white, while she looks at her reflection. The thought of breaking it crosses her mind before she tosses the thought aside. It won't fix anything.  Her time is almost up here and that’s all that matters.</p><p>If she keeps telling herself that, it’ll be the truth.</p><p>Aretuza has never felt smaller.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It'll get worse before it gets better. Wayyy worse.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Why, because she raised you? You were nothing but a tool for her like everyone else.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>We are almost at the end. The next chapter might take a while because I'm switching to Yennefer's pov. I'm so excited! Hope you guys enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Her eyes are barely open as she pokes around the plant, running a hesitant thumb over the leaves, while she stares out the sunlit windows. She couldn’t take the dimness of her room anymore, plus she knew better than to wallow in her self-pity.</p><p>They haven’t seen each other in days, and Triss is quite frankly relieved. At the moment, disclosing the information seemed like the right thing to do but now she’s unsure. It’s strange, feeling that heavy lump in her throat. She’s never gone through this before, always knowing what the next right step was. Judging by the amount of guilt she’s feeling, she knew that she made the wrong one.</p><p>Triss’s magic makes the soil dry underneath a sunflower. She watches it wilt, before gathering the deadened leaves in her palm for a potion. One more week and she’s free from all this. She’s so focused on the task she couldn’t sense who had joined her in her room.</p><p>“It was <em>you</em>.”</p><p>She jumps, making the dead leaves fall out of her hand and float down to the floor. It’s only then that she registers the heated glare in her back. <em> She knows.  </em></p><p>“Yennefer.” She can’t keep the slight quiver out of her voice, but other than that it's guarded and curt.  She feels a harsh grip on her wrist.</p><p>All of the times Yennefer touched her it was out of affection. A gentle swipe on the back of the hand, constant kisses or a comforting hug but this-she grabbed her and spun her around so that she could look her in the eyes. It’s swimming with betrayal and anger and another emotion that looks foreign on the girl. She looks different, older, and much, much, harder.   </p><p>“Here I am, trembling, finally able to tell the Rectoress my shame, my secret,” Yennefer states, not even attempting to conceal her anger. “Only for her to tell me she already knows.”</p><p>The coldness in her voice makes her heart sink at the sound of it being directed towards her. It splits her apart and she wants to pull away from her, but the grip is tight and unrelenting. She’s going to listen even if she doesn’t want to. </p><p>Why would Tissaia do this?</p><p>Triss feels like she’s in danger and even though every part of her is screaming to run but she holds her ground.</p><p>“How does she know, Triss.”</p><p>Yennefer hisses her name like a curse, daring her to deny her claim. She wants to return to last week when they were laughing through the town, with Yennefer's lips on hers and a comforting fire in her heart.  That's over now. She made her choice and she’ll have to stand by it. </p><p>“How does she know?” Yennefer repeats after a minute passes with no response. </p><p>“You already know, Yennefer.” </p><p>It comes out angry, but there is no denial in her words. Yennefer lets go of her wrists, backing away from Triss and the look she gives her is filled to the brim with anger and disgust. Triss can’t find it in herself to blame her. But as soon as it appears, her face becomes blank again, unreadable, fading back until she can’t read anything. She looks hauntedly similar to Tissaia. Triss hates it.</p><p>It doesn’t look right on her. It’s not the girl that she knows, and briefly, she wonders if she will ever know her again. </p><p>“Of course you would,” Yennefer said, the magic around her crackling even though her voice is monotone. </p><p>“How dare you,” Triss yells, feeling like she's been slapped.  “I care about you.”</p><p>So much. She wants to say, so much that it hurts to even be in this situation.  That she would do anything to go back in time and fix this but the way Yennefer is feeling right now, the words would mean nothing.</p><p>“No,” she looks away from Triss. “You were forced too,”  Yennefer says, unable to stop a sliver of emotion from slipping in.  “You used me like everyone else and yet have the gall to be upset at me.”</p><p>Triss frowns but she couldn't deny the truth in the statement.  </p><p>“Was it all a game, Triss?” Yennefer tilts her head, a sickening smile rising on her face. </p><p>No. She wants to scream, her heart constricting her chest. It was far from a game. Everything was real. All that she felt when she was with her was heartbreakingly real. However, she couldn’t deny the circumstances. She can’t help but think if it wasn’t for Tissaia would they have even been brought together. Would she have spent as much time with her? No matter what the answer is, it wouldn’t be good enough and now they will never know.  She avoids her gaze.</p><p>“I was a fool to believe that anyone would want to be my friend. Not when I look like this. Not unless I offer something.” </p><p>A dry chuckle falls out of her mouth. “This all makes sense in the end.” Triss’s eyebrows furrow at the response in the midst of trying to keep herself together. “I ask myself what use would Tissaia have for a child. What use would she have to keep you around? And then it all became clear.”</p><p>“You are nothing but her errand girl,” Yennefer says with certainty. Triss shakes her head no. Tissaia cares about her. There’s nothing too motherly about the Rectoress but it had to be more than that. </p><p>She prays that the hurt isn’t clear on her features, but the smirk rising in Yennefer’s face says otherwise. </p><p>“You know nothing about us.” Her voice mimics Yennefer’s coldness, sharp like a knife on the skin and her own voice sounds foreign to her own ears.  “Or our relationship so I suggest you stop speaking on it.”</p><p>It’s with horror that she realizes that she’s given Yennefer an avenue to hurt her, a sore spot. And that’s all the direction that the mage needed. </p><p>She laughs bitterly, “Is that why she’s trying to replace you with me. Maybe she was disappointed that you wasted your power on healing.”</p><p>She was sure that the hurt flashed in her eyes, making Yennefer grin at her pain. </p><p>“Healing that nearly saved my life when you nearly killed me,”  Its a low blow but if Yennefer is attempting to hurt her then she’ll do the same. </p><p>“If it wasn’t for that show of power, I would have been an eel by now.” Yennefer walks towards her finally finding it herself to be close to Triss again, and even though she was taller than Yennefer she felt small in her shadow. Yennefer takes in her confused look and scoffs. </p><p>“Oh, that’s rich. She never told you.”</p><p>The girls never got sent home?  She refuses to believe it, not until Yennefer shows her own memory and its too vivid to be a lie. Her pushing the other girls into the depths of the sea, while Tissaia watches with pride, the power that builds this place, that flows around them is powered through their magic. Their sacrifice.  And all of those girls she grew up with are at the bottom of the sea. Are they aware of what happened to them? How the Rectoress cursed them to an existence without limbs, without being able to control their magic.</p><p>“You don’t know her.” Triss stutters, trying to hold her tears back at the mere thought.  She always had a reason even for something as horrific as that. She has too. For her own sake, she has to believe. </p><p>“Why, because she raised you? You were nothing but a tool for her like everyone else.” Triss couldn’t believe what she’s hearing, a tear falling down. Yennefer wipes it away before it can even reach her cheek. A seed of doubt was growing. Tissaia wasn’t the most motherly growing up and she understood there were some boundaries that she would never cross. But was she right?  Is that all she was good for. </p><p>“Think about it, Triss. I saw what she used you for.” Yennefer's voice is teasingly high like she was talking down to a child.  It’s with horror that she realizes that she has seen the depths of her memory, has seen her sneaking around during meetings unnoticed, gathering information, using her childish charms to get adults to ignore her presence while she reports back to the Rectoress.  How he would bask in her praise once she was done and would be eager for her next task.</p><p>Yennefer couldn’t be right. She went deeper than she knew when they shared memories. It's with horror that she realizes Yennefer had swum deeper into the recesses of her memory without her consent.  </p><p>“She saved you,” Triss says, eyes flashing with warning ignoring the truth that was rapidly occurring to her. This can’t be. Tissaia wouldn’t lie to her. She told her everything.  “Even when you're own family didn’t want you.”</p><p>“At least my parents got some worth of me. Your parents got nothing for you. ” </p><p>Triss' heart stops at the mention of her parents, and Yennefer makes her see it again. </p><p>The first time Tissaia tells her about her parents, the hurt, the shame, the constant wondering of why she wasn’t good enough.  Her eyes welling with tears as she slaps Yennefer and it’s hard enough that the girl stumbles back into the wall.</p><p>There’s regret swimming in Yennefer’s eyes but it cannot take the words back. She has seen the other side of Yennefer on occasion but never would she think that she would turn her spite towards her. It’s hard to even look at her now so she doesn’t. Her vision turns to back the glass pane, and the light that tries to fight its way through the window is coming through the room. It would be beautiful otherwise, but all it does is show the damage that happened here, she can see Yennefer's mark in the murky reflection of the window.</p><p>“Your heart is as twisted as your spine.” There are tears streaming down as her voice cracks. </p><p>The room is heavy as silence reigns over them and they finally fall quiet.  Yennefer reaches up to her face rubbing over the wound with no emotion stirring in her eyes. Her wall is up and everything is too late.</p><p>She’s gone in an instant. Triss can longer think. She can’t breathe.  Her own sobbing is echoing in her ears. She needs Tissaia. No. Not anymore. She feels thorns dig into the palms of her hand, she thinks it suffocating her. She needs to get away, she needs to run, she feels like she’s choking. She slides down to the cold floor.  Hands. There are hands touching her. Magic. Calming. She’s bleeding. Tissaia. She says something. No. She yells at her. She can’t register what she says. It’s her fault. All hers. Why. Why would she hurt her like this?</p><p>She gathers her thoughts enough to register the scene, managing to calm her breathing down. The greenroom is ruined, and in shame, she realizes that her magic lashed out. Pots are broken, their pieces scattered in front of her, plants are uprooted, the soil is knocked over, glass is shattered from the delicate windows. There's blood dripping down from above her right eyebrow, and she realizes that some glass must have cut her in her panic. Thorns are embedded in her palms, from vines that were wrapped around the legs of the table.  That’s not what bothers her.</p><p>It’s Tissaia.</p><p>She’s bent down with her dress flowing around her, hand on her wrist with concern clear in her eyes. It had to have been her magic that settled her down. If she was lucid the concern would have shocked her. But all she can think about is the hurt that this woman has caused her, after everything that she had done for her. None of which were enough for this woman, none of which satisfied her, no matter how much it cost to her own happiness.  Her gaze turns hard at the realization.</p><p>
  <em> Triss. </em>
</p><p>She grits her teeth, barring them at the women, forcing her voice away from her mind. Yennefer was right. If she truly cared, if she truly trusted her, she wouldn't do this to her. She kicks away from Tissaia, to put distance in between her former mentor, sending herself against the wall, wincing at the force of the action. Digging her hands through her hair, she teleports blindly.  Triss is aware her environment has changed, but she spends a couple of minutes gathering herself together in the dirty alleyway.</p><p>It’s freezing in the town street,  and its a dog barking in the distance that shakes her out of stupor. There’s a bard humming in the building across the street, and she follows the sound blindly.  Eventually, people's laughter floats in her ear, and she heads towards the warmth inside the tavern, ignoring the strange looks she gets. They wouldn’t have the guts to speak to her, not when she’s struggling to control her magic like this. A candle suddenly flares out before starting up again and the people scramble away from a table leaving it empty. Triss sits at the table,  dropping coins and gets a cup in return.</p><p> </p><p>The mead is warm against her sunken heart, and that’s all she needs. Soon everything begins to tune out and her troublesome emotions faded. Underneath the noise of drunken men and their intoxicated laughter, the harsh smell of alcohol and sweat she makes her own decision for the first time in her life.</p><p> </p><p>To keep drinking until everything makes sense again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>My headcannon is that while they can share memory, each mage has a limit has to how much they want to be shown. This is why Triss doesn't go through Yennefer's memory because it's considered taboo. Yennefer did and that's considered a big no no.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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